Fire Wife Notes – Things I Wish I Knew Then But Know Now!
By Fire Wife
Connecting and Communicating With Your Firefighter
What Works and What Doesn’t
“The Quality of Your Communication is the Quality of Your Life: – Anthony Robbins
I’ve started a new thing called, Fire Wife Notes here on my website, of all the wisdom and advice I wish I’d received when I started out in my Fire Marriage that I now know and can now pass on to the next generation.
Well Here Is the Numero Uno Thing I Wish I Knew!
I wish I knew how to communicate properly with my firefighter back in the day – it would have saved us years of trouble let me tell you. While I don’t need to get into the specifics of why both my husband and I weren’t great communicators, I will say, to quote one of my favorite authors, the late and great Maya Angelou:
“when you know better you do better!”
And trust me, if you aren’t a great communicator, save yourself all that energy you’ve been expending on worry, getting mad, or putting yourself last, to learn how to communicate with your firefighter – the benefits are amazing!
In my book Fire Wife Chapter Three, Moving From Rough Water to Smooth Sailing (page 40) I talk about all the crazy communication styles I used periodically before learning how to communicate properly that absolutely 100% do not work:
Nagging, Giving the Silent Treatment, Passive Aggressiveness, Talking to Everyone but Your Partner, Rude Body Language or Tone, Aggressiveness.
But then there just comes a time, when you know there has to be a better way. So actually, without really involving my firefighter, I decided to change myself. To go within, deep within. I also went to counselling just for me so that I could remove the blocks, the reasons why I hadn’t been a good communicator – because it was holding me back in some areas of my life. I always remember getting tight in my throat whenever there was something I wanted to say but just couldn’t. The truth is, when you begin speaking your feelings, not everyone is going to like it. Some people actually love it that you are “easy going” “compliant” and “everything to everyone.”
But you know who suffers when you put other people’s needs first? You do my darling. You may suffer physical problems from the stress of not living the way you want (because you don’t speak up) or you may suffer from the draining feelings of guilt, anger or worry. Who can live their dreams or a life full of adventure and fun when you walk around feeling guilty, angry or worried because honestly, it just takes up so much time. You have one life to live.
So let’s get to the point. Let’s speak up. Let’s ask ourselves what we need. Let’s learn to communicate so we can feel peaceful and happy. If I can do it you can too! And simply because I learned how to communicate with my husband, it rubbed off on him as well. Today we are really great at communicating. So while it did take us many years to get here, I am writing you this note with the hopes that you get on it and don’t wait as long as we did. The sooner the better. Don’t waste your time in endless arguments going off into a shedload of topics. Connection is the best feeling and communication is the great way to get there. So over the next little while, I am going to focus on communication. I will give you a list of magic words that seriously change lives, I’ll introduce you to assertive, not aggressive, communication and will more importantly focus on how communicating your needs is one of the highest forms of self love. There is truly no other way to live.
So first things first. In referencing my Fire Wife Companion Guide, I want to ask you a few questions and I also want you to think about someone you admire and their communication style.
Questions to Think About
1. Of all the ‘Do not Use These Negative Communication Styles’ I mentioned above, are there any you find yourself using in your relationship with your Firefighter or anyone else in your life for that matter? How does that affect the atmosphere of your home and how does it make you feel afterwards? How does your Firefighter respond to these communication styles?
2. Were you brought up with a Negative or a Positive way of Communicating growing up?
3. Who do you admire for their Communication Style and why?
Let me leave you with these today and we’ll discuss more Communication topics this week. XOXO