Well, that went fast!  And don’t we say that every year.  It would appear that I didn’t even blog during the Christmas season.  I love fresh starts and that is exactly what 2018 is to me, a fresh start.  My old trainer, who’d just started up her company again, messaged me to see if I’d be interested in boot camp again.  Ah, yes please.  I figured we’d start next week, you know, after the turkey coma evaporated.  Nope.  We started straight away, January 2.  As I ran, lifted medicine balls, did football runs, squats and push-ups, I was beyond grateful I was there because I am beyond out-a-shape.  I realized quite some time ago that I’d honestly “let-myself-go”  on the outside because I’d let it go on the inside.  For years, unbeknownst to my conscious mind, I gave too much to others and never enough to myself.  Even in the Bible it tells us to love others “as much as we love ourselves.”  Well I certainly always felt as though I loved myself, however, actions always speak louder than words now don’t they.  Recently my life has changed drastically with my sister who I love more than life.  Fresh out of a divorce, her and I made so many plans to start this exciting new life together, one that she didn’t have with her ex because she was so unhappy with him.  The problem was that she got into a relationship immediately with a person who is not good for her.  Our relationship changed because of him so I told her I’d give her space to find herself and asked her not to call me or me call her.  While we are still polite and loving toward one another, it was a really hard tough love decision I had to make for so many reasons and it feels so anguishing and sad to me.  I could no longer stand by and support unconditionally an intense union rife with arguments, jealousy, and chaos.  I am 50 years old and I have now said no to having other people’s problems infiltrate my life.  Not my problem.  Not my circus, not my monkeys as they say.  There comes a time when you have to make the hard decisions so that you can have a joyful and joy-filled life.  Walking away from my sister while she dates this red flag worries me because I do on some levels fear for her safety, her mental state, etc.  But if I grinned and bared this toxicity, one that actually also affected my sons and husband as well as one of my friends when “red-flag” joined us for Easter dinner, it would be in silent support and I can’t lie.  To have an authentic life, we have to not only stand our ground but guard and protect our hearts too, for what goes in, will come out whether it be in your words, what you think and so forth.  Red flag has three drinking driving charges in his hometown and ran away several provinces away to escape jail time.  Red flag has no friends.  Red flag gave my friend and my son a chilling jealous look when they were around my sister.  I can only pray to God this ends and ends well.  While I kind of veered off into another story there, I hope you can see my point.  I was so busy supporting her in her life, the drama, the chaos, etc. that I lost myself.  I became this vessel where everyone, including an old friend could release all of their shit into my ear.  I would feel the toxicity and the negativity for days.  That in turn made me turn to unhealthy ways of dealing with all of “their problems” so I neglected myself.  Now I am solely focussed on my exercise and health as well as my creativity and the love of my stable and earthy friends and family.  I turn to God in these moments and trust that he will protect those who I love deeply and eventually turn everything to good.  Because I am married to a firefighter and because he needs my support and understanding and because it is a lot, I don’t have much more to give to people who are not willing to change their own lives.  Often we find there are many people in this world who just like to talk about themselves and keep their victim role F-O-R-E-V-E-R – so you are just being used as a sounding bored and a cheerleader when they have no intention of garnering their own inner strength.  So now all of my strength is going toward lifting weights and having what I feel on the inside, now reflect on the outside.  What are your new life resolutions?  XO

Written by : Miss T

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